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May 26th, 2021 
Awake Goy 
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a press conference yesterday, Press Secretary Jen Psaki revealed that President Biden is very fit and healthy– so healthy, that he has achieved a resting heart rate of zero beats per minute.
“The President is so, so very healthy,” said Psaki. “So healthy. I’ve never seen anyone more healthy and vibrant. He is so healthy and full of life, and his fitness is off the charts. I can’t even keep up with him!”
Aides have confirmed that Biden is indeed hard to keep up with, as he is constantly running off somewhere getting into mischief, climbing on furniture, and playing in the Tupperware drawer.
“He is like a trained Olympic athlete,” Psaki continued. “Most athletes have a resting heart rate of 40 beats per minute, but President Biden has achieved 0 BPM!”
Anonymous White House staff did confirm that statement as well, saying that sometimes they walk up to Biden as he lays completely still, staring off into space, with no heartbeat whatsoever.
“Finally, someone with mental and physical fitness in the White House!” wept Brian Stelter.
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