Jew World Order

After a quick trip home to North Carolina to remind us she had an adorable small child, Emily abandoned Ricki once again to visit the Potential Future Husbands’ hometowns.

Bobble Chris — Chicago

Emily wore crazy bright red pants (to protect from all those urban Chicago deer hunters), a white button down shirt squished underneath a grey cotton-T for no apparent reason, and pink lipstick to clash the pants.

Prepping her to meet his family Bobble Chris told Emily, “on a scale of 1 to Polish, we’re Polish.” But first the two of them went for beers at a Polish establishment, to emphasize his Polishness. Chris apologized again for Prague and Emily told him she was glad he had “emotions.”

Then it was off to meet the family. Chris’ mom told Emily, “It’s an honor to have you.” (An honor?) His dad told her Chris was ready to be a father and asked “Do I sense some love?” to which she responded “absolutely” (in a wholly unconvincing manner, though Daddy Bobble seemed convinced). Chris told his mom he could spend his life with Emily and she told him to fight for her. Chris’ blonde sister (bearing a striking resemblance to Emily) told Em she worried Chris would end up “heartbroken.” Daddy Bobble told Chris Emily said “she’s falling in love with you.” Chris was delighted and felt ready to confess his love.

Outside the house, Chris told Emily, “I am in love with you and I do love you (a necessary distinction).” They made out and Chris felt “completeness.”

Then he surprised Emily with a polka band, fully costumed dancers and children handing her flowers. Everyone danced around and Emily told the camera how perfect it all was, though she didn’t seem to be feeling it.

Jef — St. George, Utah

Jef welcomed Emily to his family’s ranch that was “like a few hundred acres” in his estimation. Emily, dressed in her Utah best, wore what looked like pioneer lingerie, cowboy boots and still the pink lipstick. They went shooting, and she pretended not to know how, but shot every target. She admitted to the camera that she took lessons at home.

Then they sat on a blanket on some bales of hay, under an umbrella. Emily said she was nervous about getting his family’s approval, given that Jef had dumped an ex who didn’t get it. He reminded Emily she wouldn’t meet his parents because they were all the way in South Carolina doing elusive “charity work.”

Then it was time to meet Jef’s two brothers, two sisters, a sister-in-law and a gaggle of adorable small children. Jef’s older brother Steve felt he had to take patriarchal charge and interrogate Emily. After asking a couple low-ball questions, he concluded she was perfect for Jef. He also explained to her that “love is not an investment, it’s an adventure.” (Given the size of Jef’s family estate, it seemed like a pretty good investment to me.)

Then Emily sat down with the three women, who were at first skeptical and then did a quick 180 and decided they loved her. They thought she was “genuine,” “down to earth,” and a great mom, after she let one of the adorable small children sit on her lap. They asked if she loved Jef and she eventually stuttered “I do” and explained she was “a little bit slow to throw that word out.” (She waits until the third date — at least.)

Jef told his brother Emily was “the coolest girl in the world.” (A bit of a stretch, if you ask me). Bro was concerned Jef wasn’t ready to be a dad yet, but then decided, for no apparent reason, the relationship was just swell.

Jef escorted Emily off to sit on a rock, so he could read her a letter he wrote. It said they were “meant to be” and that he was “completely in love.” He listed all the reasons including “how good of a mom you are” and then sucked up more by detailing all the ways he’d be there for little Ricki. On the brink of tears, Emily said, it was “the sweetest thing anybody has ever said to me” and they made out by the cacti as the sun set. Emily told the camera that Jef was “perfect.”

Arie — Scottsdale Arizona

In a tight grey dress, over-sized necklace and high heels, Emily met Arie at the racetrack. He drove up and she observed, “Arie definitely looks stupid hot.” (She got at least half of that right.) He took her for a ride on the track, but not before she walked towards him, ever so slowly, holding a helmet under her arm.

Then they went to a park to drink wine. Arie confessed he was concerned because Emily was “all-American” and his parents were “so European.” He told her his mom would be the toughest nut to crack and then they made out. (Judgmental moms: such a turn on.)

At his parents’ place, Emily greeted Arie’s mom, dad, sister and twin brothers. They sat down and everyone started talking in Dutch, which made Emily uncomfortable. After a few minutes of awkwardness, Arie generously translated. Then Emily and Mother of Arie went to sit on a bed and drink wine together.

Mother of Arie seemed less concerned with Emily than posing for the camera, in her tight strappy dress and tons of make up. She did ask Emily what happened with Brad and Emily explained she didn’t ask the right “fundamental questions” (the same reason she gave Jef’s brother). Em told Mother of Arie her son made her laugh, and was down to earth and “so incredibly sweet.” Emily asked if Arie would be able to balance a marriage with his racing career. His mom said Arie could do it, and used the success of her own race-car marriage as an example. But I wasn’t sure I bought that, seeing as she was simultaneously auditioning to be a contestant on The Bachelor.

Then it was time for Arie to bid adieu to Emily, but not without an outdoor make out sesh first.

Sean — Dallas, Texas

Although she called every guy perfect this week, Emily called Sean perfect the most times out of anyone. He greeted her in a field, his two big manly dogs in tow. Her Texas outfit was a long chiffon-y colorful dress with a high slit, big gold earrings and gold necklace. They walked around, picked flowers, and played with the dogs. Emily said she could imagine her and Ricki living a life of walking around with Sean’s dogs.

Sean and Em sat on a blanket and drank white wine. (This week was sponsored by white wine.) He told her about his ex, who was “the sweetest girl ever” but he felt badly because he couldn’t “reciprocate.” Maybe he meant feelings, but I thought he was talking about something else. The whole time, Emily didn’t shut up about how perfect he was.

They went to Sean’s parents’ house to meet his mom, dad, sister, brother-in-law, niece and nephew. The minute they arrived, a small child ran over and jumped into Sean’s arms. Then Sean got serious and told Emily he had to tell her something. He announced, “I still live here.” Emily pretended to be cool with it, but was clearly not.

Scary music played as they entered his messy room, and he introduced her to his stuffed animals, who had names like Whiskers and Moo Moo. A mess of dirty clothes and crumbled cookies littered the floor. Emily looked horrified. Then Sean confessed it was all a joke. Emily said she’d still be “crazy” about him if he lived with his parents, even though she so wouldn’t be.

Sean told his dad Emily had made him more open and vulnerable. His dad approved of the relationship and said, “It’s real when it happens that fast.” (A line right out of the Harrison therapy books.) Papa Sean now believed in love at first sight and thought there was “something magical going on.”

Papa Sean looooved Emily. Mama Sean, though skeptical at first, said she could see Sean had real feelings for Emily.

Before she left, Em and Sean smooched in front of his house, and we got to see a delightful close up of their tongues. He watched her drive off, and then ran after the car calling “Emily” and kissed her one more time. Emily thought it showed how into her he was. I think he just likes running around, yelling. (See: Prague.)

Harrison Therapy

Chris Harrison greeted Emily at the Product Placement Hotel in Beverly Hills. She wore a blue dress with a thick silver sparkle belt (The glitter was otherwise surprisingly absent this week.), blue eye shadow and that damn pink lipstick again. I was confused by her horribly blown out hair. Couldn’t they find a decent hairdresser in LA?

Emily told Chris that Arie’s indie car was “so different than a NASCAR” (Get it? He’s not like her ex at all) and how “perfect” Sean was. Chris pointed out that Sean was the only one who didn’t say “I love you,” but Emily was cool with it. She teared up when Harrison asked who she would send home. She felt badly dumping someone after hometowns. As she continued to whine, Chris nodded and listened, like the good shrink that he is. Then he gave her a hug and left her to make THE BIGGEST DECISION OF HER LIFE EVER UNTIL THE NEXT WEEK.

Rose Ceremony

The guys all dressed in suits. Things were getting serious. Arie got the first rose, followed by Jef and then Sean.

Booted: Obviously Bobble Chris, who was on the bubble no more. He said he didn’t understand and Emily told him she had to follow her heart and apologized. He wished her the best, got in the limo and started cussing. He felt confused because “everything seemed like it was perfect” (It always does with Emily.) and he thought she loved him back. (Maybe because she said she did?) He said his heart was broken (Blonde sister’s worst fear realized!) and thought he was “ten times the man” the other suitors were.

Back inside, the lesser men toasted glasses of champagne with Emily. There were all happy and chummy, which was weird, considering they had spent the last week swapping spit with the same lady, and were all about to try to fantasy suite her.

Next Week’s Drinking Game:
Beautiful
Amazing
Love
Feelings

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