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March 6th, 2022 
Awake Goy 
AUSTIN, TX—Local husband Alexander Woodman surprised his wife Barbara with a lunch date on Friday in which he pledged his continued love for her and also promised to someday do something with that cool piece of wood he’s had in the garage for the last ten years.
“Barb,” he said after ordering two glasses of Veuve Clicquot La Grande Dame. “We’ve been married for almost ten years now and I know our anniversary is a couple of weeks away but I wanted to sweep you off your feet because that’s how you make me feel every day.”
“And I promise,” he continued, “to do something with that wood in the garage. So don’t even worry about it.”
Barbara Woodman reportedly choked on her champagne. “Alex, it’s been ten years—”
“Ten glorious years,” he said, clasping her hands in his. “I love you.”
“I’m talking about the wood,” she replied. “It’s got to go.”
“Shhh,” he said, placing a gentle finger on her lips. “It will. I promise. I’m going to make a cool birdhouse or something.”
At publishing time, Alexander Woodman ran to Home Depot to pick up some more wood, to make a birdhouse. Sources report he’s saving the cool piece of wood for something really cool.
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