RSS Feed
February 18th, 2021 
Awake Goy 
The word is getting out on the most up-and-coming neighborhood in Los Angeles. The place to be is warm, sunny, spacious, with very little traffic and easy access to the water. Its name is Miami.
The migration has begun. There are Republicans who are apparently flocking to red states since it can be risky to admit you are a conservative if you live in California. There is comfort in moving to Florida, within a golf ball’s reach of Mar-a-lago. In fact, one of my friends took a pilot trip to Miami to see if she could live there, and hoped for the ultimate Florida experience in the process — not to slam dunk some elderly people at a shuffleboard championship in Boca Raton, but to bump into Jared and Ivanka in shul.
But as many seek to flee California, I am clamoring to go back. It’s been nice visiting with family for a few months in England, and a walk in a rainy London park is picturesque, but it doesn’t compare to a Sunday morning hike in Malibu. Oh, for a breath of fresh Californian air, albeit with an occasional garnish of smog.
But as many seek to flee California, I am clamoring to go back.
However, right now there is an issue with the air. Los Angeles is relatively strict on its air-quality limits, but it recently made some changes. Back in January there were allegedly 2,700 bodies awaiting cremations, and the South Coast air quality management district relaxed its monthly limit in order to accommodate these burials. One concern from this policy is mercury emissions entering the air from dental fillings, although the impact might be inconsequentially small. The good news is that the air quality limits have now been relaxed to allow more cremations. This way, the air quality numbers look good, and technically emissions are now fully within the allowed limits, since the limits have been changed. Breathe deep and smell the mercury.
In an effort to get back to the United States, I called the American Embassy in London; it went straight to voicemail, and a charming voice explained how there are a variety of people that cannot currently enter the United States depending on which country you have been in. It was a long list, and I listened carefully as they read off Brazil, Latvia, the Islamic Republic of Iran and the People’s Republic of China. My hope kept rising until they saved the best until last, almost delivered with a glee, reading out “the United Kingdom.” I have found a solution to get into the United States via a circuitous route, so next week I’m considering claiming political asylum to Canada and entering from there.
A presidential proclamation forbids many foreign nationals from entering the United States until further notice, unless you qualify for a “national interest consideration.” Reentry exceptions include lawful U.S. residents and people who have a genuine emergency. I think that includes me, since I face an emergency that necessitates an immediate return to Beverly Hills. I have been wandering the aisles of British supermarkets and am completely unable to find any organic cold-pressed green juice.
As my heart yearns for the familiar sights of Los Angeles, a simple solution has been to watch “The Celebrity Plastic Surgeons of Beverly Hills.” It is an edifying program, instilling optimism in even the most aesthetically-challenged of people. The first episode featured a well-known former drug addict who was getting her teeth replaced. I was seduced by the sights in the program — not the silicon body enhancements but the familiar streets of Beverly Hills between segments.
The United Kingdom lockdown continues, as does the one in the United States, and there are no signs of either ending soon. Another friend recently spent a weekend at Disney World and Universal Studios Florida, which are both open for business on a reduced capacity. At least the United Kingdom has the Harry Potter Studio Experience in my hometown of Watford. It’s closed, but I will stand outside in the rain, keep a lookout for flying broomsticks and practice magic spells to make this entire pandemic and lockdown disappear.
Posted in 
Tags: 
