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August 30th, 2022 
Awake Goy 
ORLANDO, FL — NASA officials were forced to postpone the eagerly anticipated Artemis launch after discovering a female astronaut had failed to refuel the rocket following its last mission.
“We had everything prepared and made sure the rocket was fully equipped for its trip to orbit the moon, but we were left scrambling for solutions when we realized the fuel tank was left nearly empty,” NASA engineer Blake Rumsey said in a prepared statement announcing the delay. “We’ve lost count of how many times we’ve reminded her to make sure the rocket is gassed up after using it.”
Katie Schmidt, the astronaut responsible for refueling the rocket after its last mission, maintained that she was certain there was enough fuel left after parking the rocket last time. “I could have sworn I made sure it was full,” Schmidt told reporters assembled at the Kennedy Space Center when asked about the discrepancy. “And this isn’t that big of a deal, right? I mean, it’s totally different from that time I spilled my latte on the controls and caused, like, a million dollars in damage.”
At publishing time, NASA engineers were working to nail down a new date for the launch of the moon-orbiting Artemis mission and using the extra time provided by the delay to give their female astronaut additional training. “It’s an ongoing struggle,” Rumsey said. “We’re still not sure how she managed to actually back the simulator into the wall while she was putting on her makeup. I mean, it’s stationary. How is that even possible? Anyway…diversity, right?”
The California Dream ain’t what it used to be. Enjoy our song lamenting the fall of the Golden State:
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