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June 25th, 2021 
Awake Goy 
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a speech yesterday, President Joe Biden made a compelling and powerful argument in defense of the Second Amendment. The president ranted on and on about how if people were to rebel against his iron-fisted rule, he would nuke them and send F-15 fighter jets to attack them in their homes. These statements alone were enough to convince millions of Americans the Second Amendment is still desperately needed to protect their natural right to defend themselves.
People across the nation were swayed by Biden’s convincing argument that your own government would have no qualms about nuking them or sending fighter jets to attack them, convincing them once and for all that private gun ownership is super important for a free nation.
“The government would try to attack us with nukes and F-15s?” said one man in Iowa as he watched the video of Biden ranting incoherently about nuking his own people. “Yep, better hang on to this AR-15. In fact, I’d better go out and get five more.”
“Honestly, I couldn’t have made the case better if I tried,” said one libertarian man in New Hampshire. “Not that I try to do anything. Really I just complain a lot and argue on the internet. Oh yeah, and weed. I smoke a LOT of weed.” Still, he found enough energy to get up and go buy more guns.
At publishing time, every sporting goods store and gun shop in the country had named Joe Biden their salesman of the year, with the president narrowly beating out Beto O’Rourke for the honor.
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